Discernment

Dear Friends

Although you have most likely forgotten me, I would like to explain my absence. It is with a somewhat heavy heart that I must say that, for now, I am not considering becoming ordained. But do not fear, I am looking into lay work instead.

The past while that I have been missing has frankly broken me as a person. The result of the EU referendum has left me dispirited and disappointed in many that are around me. Apparently God's message of loving thy neighbour is all well and good until one gets home from church and picks up a copy of the Daily Mail. This has left me at odds with my community, and disturbed me, since much of the rhetoric used was abhorrent in its treatment of migration. I am left particularly saddened because my partner is an EU citizen, and does not feel welcome in this country.

Now I've got rid of the Brexiteers reading this, I move on to more personal things. The workload of my degree has fully come up and slapped me in the face this year. I have been left with little free time and very high stress levels. While I would like to blame my non-attendance at church to this, I cannot do so in good conscience.

I did not intend to leave my university parish church. My workload and stress have contributed to this insomuch as making it harder to attend but it is really my frustrations that have led to this. I can pinpoint the moment. I had been attending a Pilgrim course early on Saturday mornings, in hindsight not the best time to attend, which focused on the Lord's Prayer. Should have focused on the Lord's Prayer. Instead, there was an obsession with the booklet using the 'new' version. One week, that I could handle, three was too much.

In that moment I saw all the things that make it difficult for the church to survive and grow.

The inability to accept change, move on, or generally get past 1971 is killing us. I shan't lie, I'm not into using screens, 'talks' etc. however, I am willing to change. If the community needs those things to communicate God's message to them so be it, even if it means I don't have a hymn book to hold on to. I skulked away in frustration for a couple of weeks. Now, the righteous Christian in me should have gone back. I have now moved, spent some time away and am ready to come back to the church's open arms. I can now aim to help it grow and use my gifts to bring everyone together for whatever God has in store for us.

At this time in my life it is not suitable for me to pursue ordination. A vicar cannot run from their flock because they have a lot to do or they can't cope with dated opinions. I am too young to do this right now. I can contribute to the church but not in a collar. I can contribute more to the flock by being a teacher in the community, offering help when I can. I intend to pursue becoming a reader instead. If the selection committee read this they probably won't want me. I still have all the faith I had when I knew I was called, however I have discerned what that calling is for me right now. Perhaps when I am older we can re-evaluate but until then.....

Homework

All shall be explained

So, in my exploration of discernment I've been talking to my uni chaplain every week. Together we are setting up an AngSoc. While there is already a Christian Union, the majority of the demographic for the group is more 'happy clappy' congregations. The thought of having to sing in church looking at words on a screen absolutely terrifies me, where am I meant to put my hands? While I am open to different worship styles I need to firmly hold a hymn book and not have to constantly worry about the preacher falling over the cable from a hand held microphone. So as you can tell, the demure anglican side of me just wouldn't fit in. I'm not the only one that feels the same way. The reason we have different kinds of churches is to bring the word of God to everyone, and by providing different options we are more likely to do this.

Why can't we do the same with our uni societies?

In my chats with various people on my journey one thing I've learned is that I want to provide to meet a need. While in many cases this would mean perhaps not following my personal preference of worship style, on this occasion it's providing something that doesn't already exist, that is needed, and just happens to be something I want to do. So what am I going to do with an AngSoc? While I'm up for bible study I know that to reach a wider audience it's got to be more than that. On the leaflets we've gone with 'fun, food & fellowship', leaving options open depending on the need of the group members. I think that for students it would just be nice to be able to go somewhere and be able to talk to fellow believers in Jesus. Uni is a land ruled by academia and secularism, where talking about beliefs in the classroom is never personal but only in some capacity which will relate to the cause of an event being studied. Jesus isn't shining on the campus, especially one as obsessed with science as mine.

Even in the 'home' it's not the done thing to bring up faith unless everyone you live with feels the same way. I'm fortunate that my flatmate is Muslim so we both kind of get each other and have a mutual understanding of faith, but not everyone is so lucky. For example, last year I lived with 5 others, none held any religion, on being asked where I'd gone to in the morning I said I'd gone to church, ten minutes later the stupid one of my flat had blamed me for 9/11, bless her..... Church is a community where we come together to celebrate and worship. Angsoc will be similar but with wiggle room, providing for a niche demographic whilst being able to include the curious. Well, I hope it will be. Facebook page is done, flyers are done, plans are in progress, all that's left is to wait until October when everyone arrives.
 If you've set up something similar do let me know, it would be good to get some advice from people.

People not Pieces

I like to use my own photos so here's a picture of church as I didn't conveniently have one of a jigsaw

There are actually two blog entries that I could write for this title so I am just going to choose based on my current mood.

Once we get a role in church we start to separate ourselves off. There, I said it. Now, I'm the sort of idiot that volunteers for anything and everything. "We need a volunteer" and my hand will automatically go straight up in the air like Hermione Granger. Half the time I don't even notice I've done it until I get home and think why did you do that? This year putting my hand up for things has got me in a spot of bother. Ever the eager beaver I have held the positions of programme president for my school, peer mentor co-ordinator, university senate member....the list goes on; I even accidentally landed myself a job last week. This stupidity, I believe, had had an impact on my academic achievement- I'm already waving goodbye to first class honours. It seems that I can't stop myself. I won't lie, because I have a list of 'titles' as long as my arm I've felt very important. I even set something as my email signature because I felt so important- but now I just feel like a bit of a pillock. I've found myself, at times, alienated from my peers because of the work I've had to do and regret the times where I've puffed myself up like an exotic bird wearing my special polo shirt with my name on it.

It's not only university that I've volunteered at. School, college, church and any other social situation I find myself in ends up with me joining something. Fortunately, I've now realised my problem and am looking to combat it. So when I speak generally about what having responsibility does to us I'm not making specific reference to where I am now, or even specific instances in the past, I have a lot of experience.

Like any place, church is somewhere where we can sign up for things and volunteer- cleaning, flower arranging, singing in the choir, warden, lay reader etc. Once you have your role, you are a ____ and not just the congregation. Without volunteers the life and work of the church would be a lot more difficult so I am definitely not saying don't volunteer! Human frailty leaves us susceptible to pride. That little warm feeling you get when someone complements you is great but remember that you're there for the church not the complements. I'm going to use a controversial example here, it's not personal because it happens in loads of places but this is the clearest one. 

Being a member of the choir is a great way to share your talents with the church family. We've all been there, a wedding or service where nobody knows the hymn and you're counting down how many verses you've got too go before it ends. When there's a choir everyone is more confident which creates a better atmosphere for praise. Not much sounds better than a hundred strong voices singing some good old Charles Wesley. A phrase that crops up quite a lot in choir practice is 'the congregation'. It makes sense, sometimes the choir sings bits, sometimes everyone does, it's an easy way to demarcate what's going on. Unfortunately 'the congregation' also sets boundaries of 'us and them'. Now as 2/3 of a literature has taught me when you start using binary oppositions things get a bit messy, even with the best intention.  One of these messy things is self importance. I'm going to continue my metaphor because it's easier than starting a new one. If you're a choir member then my apologies, I've not got a vendetta, I promise. As is the nature of music church choirs can also perform as well as worship. This can be a difficult line to draw. Once services become about performing it's no longer about God and you might as well be in any choir rather than a church one. It's a slippery slope. I'm sure if I was asked to sing in church I'd probably be focusing more on my technique and performing to 'the congregation' than God. And that's where the problem is. 

For us to progress and spread ministry we need to be united.

Mark 3:25- if a family splits into parties, that family cannot continue (WEY). Now while Jesus is referring to evil, and is frankly trying to show up some scribes for saying something stupid, it still works for the church. We are people, members of a church family, not pieces on a chess board. The organic nature of the church body requires everyone to work together in harmony to continue. Arms need to be open as do our minds. We are drawn into the church by God, we should go for God, we should volunteer for God, bring others for God, reach our for God and not ourselves.

For a Friend

This is a picture from home.

For my coursework I've been reading a lot of religious material recently and I felt inspired to do another blog post. I opened up my laptop to write a post about a Deuteronomy reading we had at evening prayer the other day but I got a text from my boss at home to say that one of my favourite customers has suddenly passed away. In light of this I have instead chosen to do John 14:1-6 which is often read at funerals. Working in a small village pub means it's empty most of the day when I'm on duty so you can imagine how nice it is to have someone to talk to. Roger used to come in every day, have his IPA from a beer mug and we'd have a chat and do the crossword together. Since I work every day during the holidays to fund uni I've grown to know him quite well and I'm saddened by his passing.

So this one's for you Roger.

Jesus said to his disciples: 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going.' Thomas said to him, 'Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?' Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' John 14:1-6

Disciples- When I read the bible I know that disciples mean the twelve (or at this point eleven) followers of Christ who gave up everything to be with him and to spread his Word. If I’m reading the bible for an essay I think of this, but when I am reading for guidance I see disciples as being all of us. The danger of using ‘us’ here is that it might sound that church is a little cliquey; ‘us’ who turn up every Sunday and ‘them’ that don’t. This is not what I mean. I see everyone in the world as having the potential to be a disciple, even if they don’t know it themselves. Christ rejects nobody, so if I’m a disciple and tell someone about him and they want to join the club then they can. Let’s be honest, we all end up in the same place eventually so it’s better to think of everyone as being equal now rather than having to get used to it in eternity. The door is open to all. If we all have the opportunity to be a disciple then instructions go not just to those who are, but to those thinking about it. Anyone with Jesus on the brain as it were. Anyway, where was I? So, Jesus is directing this to his disciples which means I should be listening up, and probably you too if you’re reading my blog.

House- Jesus specifically mentions dwelling places but I’m going to go one further. I don't really go in for the idea of heaven as being a big house but I haven't been so I can't tell you it isn't. Houses have the connotations of home and a warm domestic space for family or friends. Jesus is letting us know there is room at the inn (haha funny no?) for each of us. We are all catered for so there are no excuses. As someone who's always believed in an omnibenevolent God I've never been in doubt that heaven is somewhere I'll end up. Maybe I doubted it when I'd done something really naughty as a kid but for the most part I've trusted the Father to love me enough to welcome me in- the whole reason Jesus sacrificed himself. I can see why one could question a place in heaven. 'Why would he want me?', 'isn't it for really good people who go to church?'. Here we are reassured we are wanted to join God in this 'physical' heaven, heaven as a space. Alternatively, I see 'house' as an alternative word for family. Google puts it as a noble, royal, or wealthy family rather than just a standard one, and actually that is more accurate. 'In my Father's house' becomes 'In my Father's family'. Jesus is welcoming us to the family. While we are all technically children of God, being welcomed into a family is different to just being related. And a wealthy family at that, not in things like gold but rich in love and forgiveness. In having a place prepared we are meant to be there and there's no room for doubt. So far we're doing pretty well- Jesus has extended his arm to all of us, and he's given us a part in God's eternal family.

The Way- The end of the reading is the bit we all recognise but I want to zoom in specifically on that is meant by 'the way'. Thomas says like any sensible person that he has not been given directions to this place (insert joke about men taking directions here), that is under the presumption that 'the way' means some physical route. Surprise, the way isn't a route! The way is how we live our lives and the decisions we make, like the decision to follow Christ. Thomas says he doesn't know the way, but he knows Jesus- and that's it, mystery solved. If Jesus is how we get there that's all fine and dandy for me, but it leaves the problem of how other people who don't know Jesus get in. This poses a problem for me. Well, I believe that we all meet him eventually and that gives us the opportunity. Like Roger right now. He might be having a chat with Jesus, and if you have that chat it's not like you're going to turn him down right? If I was offered eternal love and salvation by someone amazing I wouldn't turn it down. And I haven't. By following Jesus now I have grasped the opportunity with both hands, and I tell you now I am not letting go.

Earthly death can be a struggle for those left behind, and now I understand why this is often read a funerals. It's a reminder that we have the love of Jesus, and that when we meet him we are welcomed into a new family.

Lent to Easter

Raise your hand if you went to church at Easter! I'm guessing if you're reading this you probably did but I'm not judging. But pssst Easter is more important than Christmas.

Lent has flown by for me. Before I took the plunge I thought giving up meat for 40 days would drag. However, as you can tell from my last post, I've had lots to keep me busy which has frankly buggered up my lent. It's meant to be a time of reflection an prayer but I had so much going on that this was interrupted. The first week of lent I went to morning prayer three times, morning worship on Sunday, and evening worship but since then it went a bit downhill. I had planned to spend more time reflecting on my faith, doing some bible study, doing the Pilgrim course, and giving up meat. Quite honestly I only fully succeeded in one of these endeavors, and I'm really disappointed. The success was giving up meat entirely which has changed my lifestyle but I don't feel that this has brought me closer to God. On the plus side it shows that I have the capacity for change and to give things up which is a discipline I can employ in my daily life regarding things that could hold a bearing on my relationship with Jesus.

On the plus side I did attend my uni diocese vocations day. Thumbs up to everyone involved. I had a great time listening to other people's experiences and attended specialised talks on ordained ministry and becoming a reader. Highlight of the day was a talk by Revd Dr Rosalyn Murphy. If you have an opportunity to hear her speak I really do recommend it. I was particularly inspired about her work in her community. This lady stopped a lap dancing club opening, people, listen up. This day was a time for me to reflect on my calling, and I'm definitely being called to do something. At the moment I believe it's ordained ministry but if I get knocked back by my DDO or a BAP then so be it, thy will be done.

Pilgrim has been enlightening and thoroughly recommend it. I will be continuing my series on it when I get back to my uni flat where my booklet it. I feel that sometimes I need direction for my reading which is something the course offers. Unfortunately I missed one of my sessions when the university senate meeting I was at overran, majorly. Although I was able to slide into the later sessions I feel like I missed out. From this point I felt a slight disconnect with my group which is a shame, and the university term finished and I had to gatecrash someone else's group.

So after all that kerfuffle Easter arrive. Poor student such as I am was working Good Friday which was a bit of a bummer but I was able to make it to the sunrise service. Anyone notice the clocks go forward? So I rose for the 6am service at 5am which was still 4am to my body, which was fun... It was a wee bit windy so our bonfire was a slight safety hazard but nobody died so it's all good. I was asked by our associate priest, and friend, to do the bible reading but the grumpy 5am me declined. Sorry Paul. I realise now that that was a wrong move and that it was a privilege to be asked. I welcomed in the dawn of the new day with a small group of others, and it felt different. It's the first time I've been able to attend as dearest M'ma always goes to the 10am and I can drive now. It felt like a new day. Easter has the symbolism of being a new day but It truly felt that way. We took communion as the sun was starting to stream through the windows. Although you can't feel like you were there, it kind of did. I know Jesus was there, as he is every day, but Easter is time put aside for us to celebrate his sacrifice. Eternal life? Yes please!

Hapless Hiatus

I kid you not

Apologies to anyone who actually reads my blog. No, this wasn't a phase- I am going to continue with it but sometimes life gets in the way. For someone who is as boring as natural hessian walls I have had a ton of stuff to do in the past month. Number one priority has been my uni coursework. With no exams I have four hand-in points during the year so you can guess how intense that it. One of my modules is about women's writing in the seventeenth century which, as you can guess, has a lot of texts with a religious basis. While different topics were available for my coursework I chose to write on the biblical references of baptist visionary Anna Trapnel. This was very appropriate for the time of year as she bases her account of her persecution on the Easter story. I feel researching this for my coursework has really given me a deeper understanding of what Easter means within the church and how we can learn from it every day. On the subject of researching, may I refer you to the picture above. After I wrote one of my other blog posts and mentioned a tiny doubt about my vocation I put the laptop aside to do my coursework. Opening a random book on a random page I saw my name slap-bang in the middle of the page. This provoked an audible 'I'm sorry, okay, you're right' from my lips, so now I'm not allowed to have the wobblies anymore. 

Hiatus cause number two is boring so please feel free to skip to three. I hold a position in my students' union and for the past month I've been having to go to more meetings, the senate, getting people to vote for things, getting people to fill out surveys, write a report etc... it never ends. Kids, don't take up positions of responsibility. Cause three is a bit more exciting. I've always known the Lord has blessed me with a good set of pipes but now it's official. I have won my university's music scholarship (not young musician of the year, which I thought it was, very awkward). Little known fact is I'm a classically trained singer. While the majority of my set was made of arias (who doesn't love Puccini, am I right?) the final piece I performed was an arrangement of 'He's got the whole world in His hands'. Please listen to the end- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TL5GT9sWlU  (this isn't me, this is a professional). It felt good to do something from my faith. While you have to act and 'feel it' when performing an aria I was already behind the words I was singing in this one, which I something that came through in my evaluation. So yay, I get to share my talents with people for the first time in ages as my prize is a concert. For this I want to balance my set 50/50 between opera and spiritual music so time to pull out the classics like Ave Maria. Yes, I am available for hatch, match, and dispatch services... Hiatus number four is equally interesting. I have arranged to go to Romania for a month in the summer to each English. I believe most churches there are orthodox so not sure what I'll be able to do on Sunday, better take my bible. (Hiatus #5 is that I forgot to take my Bible and Pilgrim book home with me so I had none of my notes or passages..... probably the most important one)

But enough about me, ish.

I'm not emotional at all. Titanic doesn't do it for me, Marley & Me doesn't either so it came as a bit of a shock to me to be holding back tears on Sunday. Just casually in church, as you do, piano starts up and it's #70 'Beauty for Brokeness'. Reading the words on the page really brought home to me how awful it is that people can be nodding to a sermon on love one day, and then respond in a totally different way the next day. I don't like using the term 'migrant crisis' as it dehumanizes the people who are caught up in it, but this is what I am referring to. I know humans aren't great at the whole 'understanding and tolerance' thing and that's we need to be praying for together. Looking at that hymn I saw the words, I registered them, and I felt them. It's all too easy to sit in a service and go with the flow, 'oh now we're standing up, peace, peace, shake hands, hymn, right, sing', which I have done in the past. Hymns aren't just for a jolly, their words mean things, and are just as powerful as a prayer. Take a look at verse two (copyright Graham Kendrick)  http://www.grahamkendrick.co.uk/songs/item/32-god-of-the-poor-beauty-for-brokenness

Shelter for fragile lives

Cures for their ills

Work for the craftsman

Trade for their skills

Land for the dispossessed

Rights for the weak

Voices to plead the cause

Of those who can't speak

I want to paste in the whole hymn but I'm a bit wary of copyright. While three, four, and five are equally appropriate, this verse is where it hit me. Now the ever conservative C of E goer in me was telling me not be ostentatious but I wan't welling up for me. My eyes were filling with tears because this is the message that we need to proverbially slap people round the face with. We watch the nativity and tut at the innkeepers but that is exactly what the 'we're full' message is. Not an original observation, I know, but it is still important. This week I have been praying for compassion and empathy, not only in me but for others too. It's an attribute that could solve many problems in this world but one that is often hard to maintain at all hours in all situations. Look to Jesus, he had it sorted.

Hosae

You're going to be getting a lot of pics like this as it's the view out my kitchen window.

Hello again! If you're wondering why it's been over a week since I last posted about Pilgrim it's because I've moved to the Wednesday group. So, I've got a little update on my Pilgrim progress. It is week two and I had done my homework before turning up, what a result. While I have been setting the alarm for 6:45 every morning so I manage to slot in some prayer or bible study before class, it was a relief that I didn't have to be out the door for 7:30 this time, hooray. Instead it was a very civilized lunch/afternoon tea type affair. Maureen, I know you're not reading this but your victoria sandwich is fantastic. So I've done the 'class' for this week and now I want to share it with you. Same format as last time: I'll pick out some words or phrases that particularly resonated with me in this account, which was Hosea 11.1-4

'a child' 11.1

'called' 11.2

'the more they went away' 11.2

'idols' 11.2

'they did not know' 11.3

'led'11.4

'bent down' 11.4

The first thing I noticed when I read the passage was the constant allusions to the image of a child. The figure of a child poses lots of interesting connotations from innocence to being petulant. Written from the standpoint of God as a father, the passage allows all of these connotations to be used, with those who have children finding reference in their own lives. I don't have children so this isn't an easy one for me, but being a Brownies leader for five years I get the variety in children's behavior. One thing I observed as a leader is that although the children were all different, some in more pleasing ways than others, they all had one thing in common- they're not 'fully formed' but that's okay. In using 'fully formed' I mean that you can tell children aren't quite done yet: they say odd things, they don't have full control over their limbs, and they struggle with abstract concepts. In portraying 'Israel' as children, we are able to acknowledge that we are not perfect beings and that God knows that we don't always know what we are doing, and that we haven't learned how to'grow up' spiritually. But even though we are clumsy he still loves us as a parent would. The concept of a parent is for another day as we use the term so we can quantify the type of relationship, even though it is divine and nothing like the bonds of humankind.

'Called' and 'the more they went away' really mean a lot to me. Obviously 'call' is in the title of my blog so that's a bit of a giveaway. I feel called. I haven't heard a voice like you would if you were called on the phone, it's something without words that's more like a magnet pulling me to something without my control. My rational mind is going 'get a 9-5 job you can leave at the office', but my subconscious is saying 'you'd do a good job as a vicar'. Now if my calling is quite specific and it took me a while to find it, how could Israel respond when called? They are called but the passage frames their response as ignoring God rather than not hearing, in the next part 'the more they went away'. It's like asking a child to write their Christmas thank you cards- the more you nag, the more reluctant they are to do it (definitely not me as a child.....). For me, I'm teetering on the edge of this phase. People often recount their calling with three stages, one of which is denial. I'm now thinking 'are you sure it's me?'; I'm not really the most likely candidate for the job and I know lots of people that would probably do a better job. Unlike this account I am not going to run away but believe in myself that actually I'd be alright and could help people. I've also released it on social media so there's no going back now or the parish will be after me with pitchforks...

This passage really goes full throttle with the whole child analogy. Israel are reported to worship 'idols' which is a stab in the carotid artery for God (you know, if he has one, probably not). Again I can't fully understand the passage for a lack of children but I'd imagine it to be crushing for you, as a parent, to be replaced. They don't want to grow up to be like mum anymore, they want to be like Stephanie from 8C because she's cool and doesn't remember having to teach you how to use a spoon or tie your shoes. The idols are a 'cool' replacement, what they want not what they need, like the opposite of the Dark Knight. But through this phase God was there even if 'they did not know'. In our lives he is with us and providing for us even if we don't know it. Life can deal out some pretty crap hands and while we may thing we are all alone with our problems and burdens he is still there to help. Sometimes thing happen that we attribute to just happening but we don't see who's behind it.

The last two quotes on my list can be interpreted very differently depending on what version you are looking at. Pilgrim speaks about and infant but my bible speaks about a yoke like a horse so I'm going to leave them be as not to confuse anyone else on the Pilgrim course. Coming up this week is my trip to the diocese vocations day. Saturday I'll be trundling down to the city for some interesting seminars on what working for the church is like and the opportunities within it, so stay tuned.