Homework

All shall be explained

So, in my exploration of discernment I've been talking to my uni chaplain every week. Together we are setting up an AngSoc. While there is already a Christian Union, the majority of the demographic for the group is more 'happy clappy' congregations. The thought of having to sing in church looking at words on a screen absolutely terrifies me, where am I meant to put my hands? While I am open to different worship styles I need to firmly hold a hymn book and not have to constantly worry about the preacher falling over the cable from a hand held microphone. So as you can tell, the demure anglican side of me just wouldn't fit in. I'm not the only one that feels the same way. The reason we have different kinds of churches is to bring the word of God to everyone, and by providing different options we are more likely to do this.

Why can't we do the same with our uni societies?

In my chats with various people on my journey one thing I've learned is that I want to provide to meet a need. While in many cases this would mean perhaps not following my personal preference of worship style, on this occasion it's providing something that doesn't already exist, that is needed, and just happens to be something I want to do. So what am I going to do with an AngSoc? While I'm up for bible study I know that to reach a wider audience it's got to be more than that. On the leaflets we've gone with 'fun, food & fellowship', leaving options open depending on the need of the group members. I think that for students it would just be nice to be able to go somewhere and be able to talk to fellow believers in Jesus. Uni is a land ruled by academia and secularism, where talking about beliefs in the classroom is never personal but only in some capacity which will relate to the cause of an event being studied. Jesus isn't shining on the campus, especially one as obsessed with science as mine.

Even in the 'home' it's not the done thing to bring up faith unless everyone you live with feels the same way. I'm fortunate that my flatmate is Muslim so we both kind of get each other and have a mutual understanding of faith, but not everyone is so lucky. For example, last year I lived with 5 others, none held any religion, on being asked where I'd gone to in the morning I said I'd gone to church, ten minutes later the stupid one of my flat had blamed me for 9/11, bless her..... Church is a community where we come together to celebrate and worship. Angsoc will be similar but with wiggle room, providing for a niche demographic whilst being able to include the curious. Well, I hope it will be. Facebook page is done, flyers are done, plans are in progress, all that's left is to wait until October when everyone arrives.
 If you've set up something similar do let me know, it would be good to get some advice from people.

People not Pieces

I like to use my own photos so here's a picture of church as I didn't conveniently have one of a jigsaw

There are actually two blog entries that I could write for this title so I am just going to choose based on my current mood.

Once we get a role in church we start to separate ourselves off. There, I said it. Now, I'm the sort of idiot that volunteers for anything and everything. "We need a volunteer" and my hand will automatically go straight up in the air like Hermione Granger. Half the time I don't even notice I've done it until I get home and think why did you do that? This year putting my hand up for things has got me in a spot of bother. Ever the eager beaver I have held the positions of programme president for my school, peer mentor co-ordinator, university senate member....the list goes on; I even accidentally landed myself a job last week. This stupidity, I believe, had had an impact on my academic achievement- I'm already waving goodbye to first class honours. It seems that I can't stop myself. I won't lie, because I have a list of 'titles' as long as my arm I've felt very important. I even set something as my email signature because I felt so important- but now I just feel like a bit of a pillock. I've found myself, at times, alienated from my peers because of the work I've had to do and regret the times where I've puffed myself up like an exotic bird wearing my special polo shirt with my name on it.

It's not only university that I've volunteered at. School, college, church and any other social situation I find myself in ends up with me joining something. Fortunately, I've now realised my problem and am looking to combat it. So when I speak generally about what having responsibility does to us I'm not making specific reference to where I am now, or even specific instances in the past, I have a lot of experience.

Like any place, church is somewhere where we can sign up for things and volunteer- cleaning, flower arranging, singing in the choir, warden, lay reader etc. Once you have your role, you are a ____ and not just the congregation. Without volunteers the life and work of the church would be a lot more difficult so I am definitely not saying don't volunteer! Human frailty leaves us susceptible to pride. That little warm feeling you get when someone complements you is great but remember that you're there for the church not the complements. I'm going to use a controversial example here, it's not personal because it happens in loads of places but this is the clearest one. 

Being a member of the choir is a great way to share your talents with the church family. We've all been there, a wedding or service where nobody knows the hymn and you're counting down how many verses you've got too go before it ends. When there's a choir everyone is more confident which creates a better atmosphere for praise. Not much sounds better than a hundred strong voices singing some good old Charles Wesley. A phrase that crops up quite a lot in choir practice is 'the congregation'. It makes sense, sometimes the choir sings bits, sometimes everyone does, it's an easy way to demarcate what's going on. Unfortunately 'the congregation' also sets boundaries of 'us and them'. Now as 2/3 of a literature has taught me when you start using binary oppositions things get a bit messy, even with the best intention.  One of these messy things is self importance. I'm going to continue my metaphor because it's easier than starting a new one. If you're a choir member then my apologies, I've not got a vendetta, I promise. As is the nature of music church choirs can also perform as well as worship. This can be a difficult line to draw. Once services become about performing it's no longer about God and you might as well be in any choir rather than a church one. It's a slippery slope. I'm sure if I was asked to sing in church I'd probably be focusing more on my technique and performing to 'the congregation' than God. And that's where the problem is. 

For us to progress and spread ministry we need to be united.

Mark 3:25- if a family splits into parties, that family cannot continue (WEY). Now while Jesus is referring to evil, and is frankly trying to show up some scribes for saying something stupid, it still works for the church. We are people, members of a church family, not pieces on a chess board. The organic nature of the church body requires everyone to work together in harmony to continue. Arms need to be open as do our minds. We are drawn into the church by God, we should go for God, we should volunteer for God, bring others for God, reach our for God and not ourselves.

For a Friend

This is a picture from home.

For my coursework I've been reading a lot of religious material recently and I felt inspired to do another blog post. I opened up my laptop to write a post about a Deuteronomy reading we had at evening prayer the other day but I got a text from my boss at home to say that one of my favourite customers has suddenly passed away. In light of this I have instead chosen to do John 14:1-6 which is often read at funerals. Working in a small village pub means it's empty most of the day when I'm on duty so you can imagine how nice it is to have someone to talk to. Roger used to come in every day, have his IPA from a beer mug and we'd have a chat and do the crossword together. Since I work every day during the holidays to fund uni I've grown to know him quite well and I'm saddened by his passing.

So this one's for you Roger.

Jesus said to his disciples: 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going.' Thomas said to him, 'Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?' Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.' John 14:1-6

Disciples- When I read the bible I know that disciples mean the twelve (or at this point eleven) followers of Christ who gave up everything to be with him and to spread his Word. If I’m reading the bible for an essay I think of this, but when I am reading for guidance I see disciples as being all of us. The danger of using ‘us’ here is that it might sound that church is a little cliquey; ‘us’ who turn up every Sunday and ‘them’ that don’t. This is not what I mean. I see everyone in the world as having the potential to be a disciple, even if they don’t know it themselves. Christ rejects nobody, so if I’m a disciple and tell someone about him and they want to join the club then they can. Let’s be honest, we all end up in the same place eventually so it’s better to think of everyone as being equal now rather than having to get used to it in eternity. The door is open to all. If we all have the opportunity to be a disciple then instructions go not just to those who are, but to those thinking about it. Anyone with Jesus on the brain as it were. Anyway, where was I? So, Jesus is directing this to his disciples which means I should be listening up, and probably you too if you’re reading my blog.

House- Jesus specifically mentions dwelling places but I’m going to go one further. I don't really go in for the idea of heaven as being a big house but I haven't been so I can't tell you it isn't. Houses have the connotations of home and a warm domestic space for family or friends. Jesus is letting us know there is room at the inn (haha funny no?) for each of us. We are all catered for so there are no excuses. As someone who's always believed in an omnibenevolent God I've never been in doubt that heaven is somewhere I'll end up. Maybe I doubted it when I'd done something really naughty as a kid but for the most part I've trusted the Father to love me enough to welcome me in- the whole reason Jesus sacrificed himself. I can see why one could question a place in heaven. 'Why would he want me?', 'isn't it for really good people who go to church?'. Here we are reassured we are wanted to join God in this 'physical' heaven, heaven as a space. Alternatively, I see 'house' as an alternative word for family. Google puts it as a noble, royal, or wealthy family rather than just a standard one, and actually that is more accurate. 'In my Father's house' becomes 'In my Father's family'. Jesus is welcoming us to the family. While we are all technically children of God, being welcomed into a family is different to just being related. And a wealthy family at that, not in things like gold but rich in love and forgiveness. In having a place prepared we are meant to be there and there's no room for doubt. So far we're doing pretty well- Jesus has extended his arm to all of us, and he's given us a part in God's eternal family.

The Way- The end of the reading is the bit we all recognise but I want to zoom in specifically on that is meant by 'the way'. Thomas says like any sensible person that he has not been given directions to this place (insert joke about men taking directions here), that is under the presumption that 'the way' means some physical route. Surprise, the way isn't a route! The way is how we live our lives and the decisions we make, like the decision to follow Christ. Thomas says he doesn't know the way, but he knows Jesus- and that's it, mystery solved. If Jesus is how we get there that's all fine and dandy for me, but it leaves the problem of how other people who don't know Jesus get in. This poses a problem for me. Well, I believe that we all meet him eventually and that gives us the opportunity. Like Roger right now. He might be having a chat with Jesus, and if you have that chat it's not like you're going to turn him down right? If I was offered eternal love and salvation by someone amazing I wouldn't turn it down. And I haven't. By following Jesus now I have grasped the opportunity with both hands, and I tell you now I am not letting go.

Earthly death can be a struggle for those left behind, and now I understand why this is often read a funerals. It's a reminder that we have the love of Jesus, and that when we meet him we are welcomed into a new family.

Lent to Easter

Raise your hand if you went to church at Easter! I'm guessing if you're reading this you probably did but I'm not judging. But pssst Easter is more important than Christmas.

Lent has flown by for me. Before I took the plunge I thought giving up meat for 40 days would drag. However, as you can tell from my last post, I've had lots to keep me busy which has frankly buggered up my lent. It's meant to be a time of reflection an prayer but I had so much going on that this was interrupted. The first week of lent I went to morning prayer three times, morning worship on Sunday, and evening worship but since then it went a bit downhill. I had planned to spend more time reflecting on my faith, doing some bible study, doing the Pilgrim course, and giving up meat. Quite honestly I only fully succeeded in one of these endeavors, and I'm really disappointed. The success was giving up meat entirely which has changed my lifestyle but I don't feel that this has brought me closer to God. On the plus side it shows that I have the capacity for change and to give things up which is a discipline I can employ in my daily life regarding things that could hold a bearing on my relationship with Jesus.

On the plus side I did attend my uni diocese vocations day. Thumbs up to everyone involved. I had a great time listening to other people's experiences and attended specialised talks on ordained ministry and becoming a reader. Highlight of the day was a talk by Revd Dr Rosalyn Murphy. If you have an opportunity to hear her speak I really do recommend it. I was particularly inspired about her work in her community. This lady stopped a lap dancing club opening, people, listen up. This day was a time for me to reflect on my calling, and I'm definitely being called to do something. At the moment I believe it's ordained ministry but if I get knocked back by my DDO or a BAP then so be it, thy will be done.

Pilgrim has been enlightening and thoroughly recommend it. I will be continuing my series on it when I get back to my uni flat where my booklet it. I feel that sometimes I need direction for my reading which is something the course offers. Unfortunately I missed one of my sessions when the university senate meeting I was at overran, majorly. Although I was able to slide into the later sessions I feel like I missed out. From this point I felt a slight disconnect with my group which is a shame, and the university term finished and I had to gatecrash someone else's group.

So after all that kerfuffle Easter arrive. Poor student such as I am was working Good Friday which was a bit of a bummer but I was able to make it to the sunrise service. Anyone notice the clocks go forward? So I rose for the 6am service at 5am which was still 4am to my body, which was fun... It was a wee bit windy so our bonfire was a slight safety hazard but nobody died so it's all good. I was asked by our associate priest, and friend, to do the bible reading but the grumpy 5am me declined. Sorry Paul. I realise now that that was a wrong move and that it was a privilege to be asked. I welcomed in the dawn of the new day with a small group of others, and it felt different. It's the first time I've been able to attend as dearest M'ma always goes to the 10am and I can drive now. It felt like a new day. Easter has the symbolism of being a new day but It truly felt that way. We took communion as the sun was starting to stream through the windows. Although you can't feel like you were there, it kind of did. I know Jesus was there, as he is every day, but Easter is time put aside for us to celebrate his sacrifice. Eternal life? Yes please!

Hapless Hiatus

I kid you not

Apologies to anyone who actually reads my blog. No, this wasn't a phase- I am going to continue with it but sometimes life gets in the way. For someone who is as boring as natural hessian walls I have had a ton of stuff to do in the past month. Number one priority has been my uni coursework. With no exams I have four hand-in points during the year so you can guess how intense that it. One of my modules is about women's writing in the seventeenth century which, as you can guess, has a lot of texts with a religious basis. While different topics were available for my coursework I chose to write on the biblical references of baptist visionary Anna Trapnel. This was very appropriate for the time of year as she bases her account of her persecution on the Easter story. I feel researching this for my coursework has really given me a deeper understanding of what Easter means within the church and how we can learn from it every day. On the subject of researching, may I refer you to the picture above. After I wrote one of my other blog posts and mentioned a tiny doubt about my vocation I put the laptop aside to do my coursework. Opening a random book on a random page I saw my name slap-bang in the middle of the page. This provoked an audible 'I'm sorry, okay, you're right' from my lips, so now I'm not allowed to have the wobblies anymore. 

Hiatus cause number two is boring so please feel free to skip to three. I hold a position in my students' union and for the past month I've been having to go to more meetings, the senate, getting people to vote for things, getting people to fill out surveys, write a report etc... it never ends. Kids, don't take up positions of responsibility. Cause three is a bit more exciting. I've always known the Lord has blessed me with a good set of pipes but now it's official. I have won my university's music scholarship (not young musician of the year, which I thought it was, very awkward). Little known fact is I'm a classically trained singer. While the majority of my set was made of arias (who doesn't love Puccini, am I right?) the final piece I performed was an arrangement of 'He's got the whole world in His hands'. Please listen to the end- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TL5GT9sWlU  (this isn't me, this is a professional). It felt good to do something from my faith. While you have to act and 'feel it' when performing an aria I was already behind the words I was singing in this one, which I something that came through in my evaluation. So yay, I get to share my talents with people for the first time in ages as my prize is a concert. For this I want to balance my set 50/50 between opera and spiritual music so time to pull out the classics like Ave Maria. Yes, I am available for hatch, match, and dispatch services... Hiatus number four is equally interesting. I have arranged to go to Romania for a month in the summer to each English. I believe most churches there are orthodox so not sure what I'll be able to do on Sunday, better take my bible. (Hiatus #5 is that I forgot to take my Bible and Pilgrim book home with me so I had none of my notes or passages..... probably the most important one)

But enough about me, ish.

I'm not emotional at all. Titanic doesn't do it for me, Marley & Me doesn't either so it came as a bit of a shock to me to be holding back tears on Sunday. Just casually in church, as you do, piano starts up and it's #70 'Beauty for Brokeness'. Reading the words on the page really brought home to me how awful it is that people can be nodding to a sermon on love one day, and then respond in a totally different way the next day. I don't like using the term 'migrant crisis' as it dehumanizes the people who are caught up in it, but this is what I am referring to. I know humans aren't great at the whole 'understanding and tolerance' thing and that's we need to be praying for together. Looking at that hymn I saw the words, I registered them, and I felt them. It's all too easy to sit in a service and go with the flow, 'oh now we're standing up, peace, peace, shake hands, hymn, right, sing', which I have done in the past. Hymns aren't just for a jolly, their words mean things, and are just as powerful as a prayer. Take a look at verse two (copyright Graham Kendrick)  http://www.grahamkendrick.co.uk/songs/item/32-god-of-the-poor-beauty-for-brokenness

Shelter for fragile lives

Cures for their ills

Work for the craftsman

Trade for their skills

Land for the dispossessed

Rights for the weak

Voices to plead the cause

Of those who can't speak

I want to paste in the whole hymn but I'm a bit wary of copyright. While three, four, and five are equally appropriate, this verse is where it hit me. Now the ever conservative C of E goer in me was telling me not be ostentatious but I wan't welling up for me. My eyes were filling with tears because this is the message that we need to proverbially slap people round the face with. We watch the nativity and tut at the innkeepers but that is exactly what the 'we're full' message is. Not an original observation, I know, but it is still important. This week I have been praying for compassion and empathy, not only in me but for others too. It's an attribute that could solve many problems in this world but one that is often hard to maintain at all hours in all situations. Look to Jesus, he had it sorted.

Hosae

You're going to be getting a lot of pics like this as it's the view out my kitchen window.

Hello again! If you're wondering why it's been over a week since I last posted about Pilgrim it's because I've moved to the Wednesday group. So, I've got a little update on my Pilgrim progress. It is week two and I had done my homework before turning up, what a result. While I have been setting the alarm for 6:45 every morning so I manage to slot in some prayer or bible study before class, it was a relief that I didn't have to be out the door for 7:30 this time, hooray. Instead it was a very civilized lunch/afternoon tea type affair. Maureen, I know you're not reading this but your victoria sandwich is fantastic. So I've done the 'class' for this week and now I want to share it with you. Same format as last time: I'll pick out some words or phrases that particularly resonated with me in this account, which was Hosea 11.1-4

'a child' 11.1

'called' 11.2

'the more they went away' 11.2

'idols' 11.2

'they did not know' 11.3

'led'11.4

'bent down' 11.4

The first thing I noticed when I read the passage was the constant allusions to the image of a child. The figure of a child poses lots of interesting connotations from innocence to being petulant. Written from the standpoint of God as a father, the passage allows all of these connotations to be used, with those who have children finding reference in their own lives. I don't have children so this isn't an easy one for me, but being a Brownies leader for five years I get the variety in children's behavior. One thing I observed as a leader is that although the children were all different, some in more pleasing ways than others, they all had one thing in common- they're not 'fully formed' but that's okay. In using 'fully formed' I mean that you can tell children aren't quite done yet: they say odd things, they don't have full control over their limbs, and they struggle with abstract concepts. In portraying 'Israel' as children, we are able to acknowledge that we are not perfect beings and that God knows that we don't always know what we are doing, and that we haven't learned how to'grow up' spiritually. But even though we are clumsy he still loves us as a parent would. The concept of a parent is for another day as we use the term so we can quantify the type of relationship, even though it is divine and nothing like the bonds of humankind.

'Called' and 'the more they went away' really mean a lot to me. Obviously 'call' is in the title of my blog so that's a bit of a giveaway. I feel called. I haven't heard a voice like you would if you were called on the phone, it's something without words that's more like a magnet pulling me to something without my control. My rational mind is going 'get a 9-5 job you can leave at the office', but my subconscious is saying 'you'd do a good job as a vicar'. Now if my calling is quite specific and it took me a while to find it, how could Israel respond when called? They are called but the passage frames their response as ignoring God rather than not hearing, in the next part 'the more they went away'. It's like asking a child to write their Christmas thank you cards- the more you nag, the more reluctant they are to do it (definitely not me as a child.....). For me, I'm teetering on the edge of this phase. People often recount their calling with three stages, one of which is denial. I'm now thinking 'are you sure it's me?'; I'm not really the most likely candidate for the job and I know lots of people that would probably do a better job. Unlike this account I am not going to run away but believe in myself that actually I'd be alright and could help people. I've also released it on social media so there's no going back now or the parish will be after me with pitchforks...

This passage really goes full throttle with the whole child analogy. Israel are reported to worship 'idols' which is a stab in the carotid artery for God (you know, if he has one, probably not). Again I can't fully understand the passage for a lack of children but I'd imagine it to be crushing for you, as a parent, to be replaced. They don't want to grow up to be like mum anymore, they want to be like Stephanie from 8C because she's cool and doesn't remember having to teach you how to use a spoon or tie your shoes. The idols are a 'cool' replacement, what they want not what they need, like the opposite of the Dark Knight. But through this phase God was there even if 'they did not know'. In our lives he is with us and providing for us even if we don't know it. Life can deal out some pretty crap hands and while we may thing we are all alone with our problems and burdens he is still there to help. Sometimes thing happen that we attribute to just happening but we don't see who's behind it.

The last two quotes on my list can be interpreted very differently depending on what version you are looking at. Pilgrim speaks about and infant but my bible speaks about a yoke like a horse so I'm going to leave them be as not to confuse anyone else on the Pilgrim course. Coming up this week is my trip to the diocese vocations day. Saturday I'll be trundling down to the city for some interesting seminars on what working for the church is like and the opportunities within it, so stay tuned.

Lent Update #1

Genuine shapchat from Shrove Tuesday

Not a very inspiring title but I'm more of a 'get the job done' kind of person- sorry to disappoint. So, as you know lent started eleven days ago. Traditionally this is a time where people give something up until Easter, and then end up over-indulging when the day arrives, or is that just me? I've given up things for lent for about seven years now- small things that I wouldn't normally have or do anyway, which I know completely defeats the object. However, this year I've gone full throttle and given up meat. 'That's okay, you can still have fish' I hear you cry, but alas, I am not eating any animals; surf or turf. To be honest there's not a lot in my diet to give up: I don't smoke or drink, or have dairy, or sweets, or any of the usual things so meat was the prime candidate for eviction. Interestingly one of my friends has gone outside the realm of food and has given up makeup- her blog is : https://bexbaillie.wordpress.com/ and is well worth a read.

 Don't give up meat. It's been a lifestyle change for me completely. Gone are the days where you can just pull some meat out of the freezer, chuck it in a sauce and dinner is sorted. Going meat free takes planning. I don't know if my student fridge isn't doing it's job but vegetables don't keep so I'm now having to do more than just a weekly shop. I have to plan all my meals so I know what I need when and I now spend half my waking hours chopping vegetables. I have been to the 'health food' aisle of Tesco, a previously fabled land where thin AU athletes go to find exotic substances such as quinoa. Ive not yet slipped into the temptation of just doing my normal meals with Quorn instead but with coursework period coming up I might have to...

Luckily for me Lent has fallen around the time of my great revelation so for me this year it's not just doing without something for 40 days. As I am reminded by the notice sheets at church Lent is a time for taking things up too. I see it as more of a spiritual 'shape up' rather than just turning up to morning prayer a couple of times a week. And I have really turned this Lent into a proper spiritual shape up. I want to do another post about prayer so I'll be brief. I've found going to morning prayer has made me more reflective on my life and how I worship and I am now a lot more conscious of it. This thoughtfulness is induced by giving up and taking up. Each time I contemplate reaching for the tin of tuna I stop and think for five minutes and it's no longer about the fish. It's about learning to wait for Jesus and that part of our waiting requires small sacrifices to reap the benefits later on. It's about saying no to temptation and yes to something better. Now I've written it down I think I'm going to put it on a post-it on my cupboard 'no to meat, yes to Jesus'.

Pilgrim

Pilgrim

So today is the first day of the Pilgrim course at church I'll be attending during lent. As you can see from my snap I was up at sunrise to be able to get there at 8am. Part of me, when the alarm started blaring, thought oh sod it I'll go to the one on Monday evening instead but I got up- and I'm glad I did. Stumbling to the kitchen and making myself a lemsip I looked out the window to see this, a sight that the crappy camera on my phone doesn't do any justice to. I felt a kind of peace and satisfaction being able to see something beautiful like a sunrise and being able to attribute it to God, something quite appropriate for the first day of my discovery course.

I suppose I've got to be careful here not to make any infringements on copyright for Pilgrim so I'll focus more on reaction rather than detailed content. So you know where I'm coming from the reading we studied was 'Jesus Calls the First Disciples' John 1.35-42. As a literature student I went into default mode and underlined words that I thought held significance.

'following' 38

'seeking' 38

'where are you' 38

'stayed with him'39*

I see this passage as something true but also as a metaphor for all our faiths. I'll start with 'following'. At this point Jesus sees the two disciples following him- now while they are literally walking behind him I see 'following' as more of paying close attention, and acting accordingly like follow Jesus today. More important that just the following is that Jesus notices notices this. While many of us can feel like we're praying and going to church with no interactions or 'reward' Jesus knows what we are doing and knows that we are there. It can be disheartening if you've never had a religious experience and others have but I find solace in this passage in that Jesus sees me, and helps me in ways that are perhaps not so obvious when I'm looking out for things like lightening bolts. Those questions you get in the back of your mind, who's to say he hasn't put them there, even your doubts. He asks what the disciples are seeking, getting them to question themselves and their faith. There are some issues in the bible that I struggle with but maybe God wants me to question things so I can grow. We are only human and it is okay to have questions. If we didn't then our faith would be passive, and as we all know passive learning is not overly effective- which my GCSEs are testament to. I want an active relationship with God. While it is tempting on a Sunday morning and just listen to the readings going 'yep, that happened literally, okay I'll do that', that can only produce so much fulfillment. The disciples ask Jesus 'where are you staying?' and then go on to 'stay with him'. In a world in such a state as ours it is sometimes difficult not to ask Jesus where he is. Once we notice or are shown where he is, we too find it much easier to stay with Jesus. We all have doubts at some time or another but seeing Jesus and having reassurance helps us maintain our connection with him.

I think this was a really good choice reading to start off the course. Often these courses give more questions than answers but John 1.34-42 reminds us that we can still hold onto our faith and even strengthen it. I am reassured by this extract that while in the coming weeks I will have questions, it doesn't make me any less committed but can strengthen my understanding.

The inner poet in me must say a little something about the sunrise. 'Red sky at morning, shepherd's warning'. The phrase 'Lamb of God' popped up a couple of times today and I couldn't help but think of the red sunrise this morning. Maybe God was letting me know that I might have to ask myself some difficult questions on the course, or maybe the weather where I live is just rubbish- who knows?

*All references made are from my bible, not the extract in Pilgrim

The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (London: HarperCollins, 2002)

Ashtag

#Ashtag

So I've been thinking for a while about my faith and what part it plays in my life. For the last couple of years I will admit my church attendance has been a bit patchy due to studying and part time work, and I didn't realise until the other week that I didn't have a bible at uni! I suppose that my epiphany started this Christmas.

I'd been up since half seven, Bertha the turkey was well and truly roasted, I'd found some time between parts of the cooking timetable to open a couple of presents, and at one o'clock we all finally sat down to eat. Cracker hat on, I had just retrieved the spinning top that found its way among the roast potatoes when something came out of my mouth quite unexpectedly, "I'm going to be a vicar". Needless to say everyone was quite surprised. While seemingly something from out of the blue, it's actually not such a strange decision. 1) I'd already decided in September that in the following academic year I wanted to do some youth work. 2) I've often thought that being a vicar's wife is something I'd be pretty good at- but why just be the wife when you can be the vicar, eh? 3) My career plan for the last decade has to become a teacher, but apparently I just hadn't worked out what it was I wanted to be teaching.

I'm not going to bore you with the whole 'new year, new me' cliche but I really feel that since Christmas I have changed, and committed to a decision. So far I've been going to church more than once a week, bought a bible and started annotating it, joined a lent course, widened my selection of faith music (after going to a united service- big step forward), and signed up to vocations day in my uni diocese. I don't know what I want to achieve with a blog. Most people who will be reading will have already found Jesus. I suppose I'm making an example of myself to say 'you can do it too'. I am probably an unlikely candidate for ordained ministry so if I can explore my options and find the right path, there is nothing to stop anyone who is curious.

If his call is waiting, I'm about to pick up.